Today's story and Food for Thought.
A good friend of mine told me that her boyfriend was suddenly distant and cold with her.
"The more I ask him what's wrong, the more I feel him shutting me off," she said.
"I try to be nice, I offer to make him coffee or food, I make sure he knows I am there for him if he needs me... . I went to see him at work and he was visibly annoyed... . I don't know what I did wrong and he won't tell me and I am going crazy here. I cried all last night and when I called him I couldn't help it and started crying again..."
"Why don't you just let him be," I suggested, "and have a good time on your own?"
Incredulous, she looked at me as if I was saying she must fly to the Moon tomorrow.
"But how??!! How can I have a good time when he is this way with me?"
"There is nothing you can do about it," I said. "But you can do something about how you are. Refocus. Drop this obsession. Go out with friends. Start living. Stop pursuing him. The more you pursue him, the more he wants to withdraw. So, stop it. And get happy again. Happy people are fun to be with. Needy people are not."
"But what if he is in trouble?"
And then I said something revolutionary. ( just kidding.):
"You are NOT his mother. Stop taking care of him. Treat him like an adult that he is. If indeed he is in trouble and wanted to share it with you he would have."
And she got it.
She went out with her girlfriends and had a great time. When she came home after a fun evening out and remembered she hadn't spoken to her boyfriend all day, she also realized that she had been able to have a great time anyway. And with this thought she fell asleep, consciously choosing not to focus on wondering about him.
Believe me, it is possible. Entirely and totally possible, as soon as you take a step back, get perspective, clear your head, become present.
He called her the next day!
"I am so sorry, he said, I was having problems at work and I didn't feel like talking about it. Would you like to go to dinner with me tonight?"
"But Auriela, come on! Surely at dinner she told him how she had felt, "they communicated," he saw that he wasn't treating her well, she admitted that she was pushing too much, they cleared it out..."
No, dear readers, they did not "communicate" in this way.
They just had a wonderful evening, starting fresh as if the last few days didn't happen.
You see, she called me prior to going out to dinner with him, planning to talk and 'communicate,' just like you are suggesting.
"Don't," I said. "Are you still angry?" -
"Did you learn something out of this about yourself and what works and what doesn't?"
"I learned tons," she said.
"Then drop it. Don't revisit what didn't work. Just do your best to start living what you have learned. He apologized. You accepted. LET IT GO."
I know reading this will ruffle many people's feathers.
All I ask is that you think about what you just read.
Communication is an art form. A very complex art form.
Just because you can talk and have feelings doesn't mean you are able to communicate them without messing things up more.
Remember: "Nothing changes until YOU do." Which means - Everything has to be resolved internally. And once you do, you may discover - there is no need to go back. You have changed, you are different and so is your reality and the people in it, including that special one.
Take back your power and give it to yourself!
Decide to be happy.
Don't wait for others to change so you can have what you want.
It is extremely powerful sometimes to just LET GO.
Letting go is a skill.
How do you do it? I am often asked.
You don't "do" it. It's not something that can be "done."
Start practicing. Find out for yourself. Don't suppress what you feel. Feel it deeply and then breathe it out. And then - refocus. And see what happens.
Read The Power of The Possible, especially the first five chapters, starting with Chapter One: What Can I Do to Get Him To Change?
These are true stories. Let them inspire you and show you what might be one of the greatest secrets hidden in plain sight all of your life.
Uncover it - and you will never be the same.
Master it, and your life will sparkle!
All for now.